My hopes became butterflies and flew away to brighter flowers.
My dreams never came true so they withered and died.
My thoughts became extinct and the species struggled yet had no protecting sanctuary.
My soul opened to release the dark secrets only I knew, and I, blindly trusting, saw the world read the etchings on my heart.

Keep staring at the sun.

I've been looking through a notebook of things I wrote a while back and I ran across something I wrote a year ago from today. Its a bit strange and sad to look back at the person I was then, just a year ago. I had never been so down, so alone, so far from who I truly am. I can honestly say I love where my life has brought me and I am very content in this moment. And now, for the first time I can say that I am thankful for all I have been through because it is made me who I am today and I have come to love and respect that person.


I'm not human.
You can't understand this.
I've been injected with death, I can feel it inside.
They need to kill this part of me.
It doesn't want to die.
Am I still tough enough? Feels like I'm wearing down.
I am losing my soul and my mind is losing me.
The drugs don't work, they just make it worse.
Do you realize this is incomparable?
To anything.
Admit the truth.
This feels like forever but I am losing more everyday.
My privacy is raked.
As of now, I bet you've got me wrong.
I refuse to give up.
It can't end, not this way.
It's just that this has made me so weak,
I can't fight anymore.
This failure has made the creator like the coldest winter chill.
Heaven beside you, Hell within.
My brain tells my body, keep staring at the sun.
Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved.
See my heart, I decorate it like a grave.
They said I need to bleed this out so I can start over.
And I should contemplate this change,
To ease the pain.
My thoughts and dreams tear me apart from the core of my soul.
At times the dark's fading slowly
But it never sustains.
Surrounded by empty souls,
Artificial courage used.
Now black is all I feel.
So this is how it feels to be free.

I am finding this really cute right about now...4 weeks ago I would have thought it was the cheesiest thing ever...ahhh...times change.

I'm having a baby <3

Part of the reason I created this blog is because a couple weeks ago I found out I'm pregnant and I am feeling extremely corny and maternal over here. Haha. I found out much earlier than most women do, but I just KNEW. I would fall asleep sitting up, playing my nintendo ds, talking...hehe...I was unreasonably tired ALL the time (and I still am)...so I took about 3 tests and they all came up postitive...I can't even describe how happy I am. Its really not the ideal situation but I am ecstatic. My life has dramatically changed already, creating life is the most important thing in this world, and the purpose of life, in my opinion..so I couldn’t be happier.

Now, just for the record, being pregnant has NOT BEEN FUN so far and I am only 4 weeks in. Wow. It is typical for women to get morning sickness at about 6 weeks, I had it at 3. And the term "morning sickness" is bullshit, I am nauseous all day. I'm super sensitive to smells...it’s bad. Let’s see...then there is the constant fatigue, I could sleep for years. The other night I went to bed at 7pm and woke up the next day at noon...INSANE! My boobs hurt so bad that it hurts to even hug people, but so far they haven't grown, but I kind of can't wait for that. Haha. Also, I have been pretty calm and even-tempered. I know the psycho mood swings are around the corner, but so far, they have not hit.

I just can't wait for the baby bump, then maybe people will stop looking at me weird when I'm gagging in the grocery store or falling asleep at work. I also can't wait to see if its a boy or a girl, although I have been having dreams about having a boy, hmmm. We will see.

The best part is that my best friend is pregnant also, about a month ahead of me! It is really nice to have her going through all this with me because I have no clue what I am doing!)

My Preface

My bloggggg...hmm, there is a reason I created this thing, but prior to this I have only "blogged" on Myspace. And I cannot get over the word 'blog', it sounds like someone is vomiting, do I really want whatever splendid shit I have to say be written in something that reminds me of vomit? Ech.

Nevertheless, I am pretty excited out this, having yet another outlet for my many thoughts. Its sort of freeing in an odd way.

I guess this is the place where I whine and complain, polish my ego, state my opinions as facts, do grudge matinence, tell you how I wish you knew what its like to fall asleep next to your big, beautiful eyes.

This is where I can take my bad days out on you and let you swing with my moods. I may let a couple secrets out, then take them back.

But, all in my own way....of course.